Please Forgive me...

Dear higher self.

Please forgive me for being afraid. As a child I knew there was something bigger than me. I knew deep inside of me that the voice of my deepest soul (i always knew it wasn't my head) spoke to me with such wisdom and knowledge. I am sorry that i didn't turn to you more in my youth. I didn't understand 'who' or 'what' you were. But I knew you existed.

I am sorry that i needed to smoke tobacco for forty years to numb my separation from you because I was unable to allow myself to 'feel' my darkest feelings without reaching to my addiction for moral support.

I am sorry that I went into relationships that caused me to feel incomplete. I see now that I was incomplete myself. I needed those relationships to make me feel like I was whole. I am sorry that you had to endure all of those tears, fights, misunderstandings and tears.

Dear Higher Self

Please forgive me, when my babies' daddy died I didn't have the spiritual maturity to deal with it too well. My rebel self came alive even more and my grief presented as anger. i was angry at the world for taking him away. But I hid my anger towards my (1st) husband for what he put me through whilst I was pregnant with our second baby. He died before I ever recovered from a very stressful and emotional pregnancy. Damn it, I held so much grief for what was supposed to be one of the most sacred experiences of my life. And it was. But energetically I was broken.

Please forgive me for wanting to die when my second marriage ended. The boys really didn't need to see their mama falling apart all over again. I cry as I recall this terrifyingly dark chapter.

I have spent decades looking at healing modalities to free me from my addictions. I value life more than I can ever express. I am sorry that it took a divorce to my second husband whom I adored so much, and that my journey to Self began before we split. I couldn't keep up with that rock n roll lifestyle any longer. I am sorry that my soulmate only showed me my own pain and anger, you literally mirrored it back to me...and I am eternally grateful for our deep and intense and insanely crazy twelve year experience.

I am sorry that i spent over five years in my next long term relationship that was simply a business partnership. My family saw it but I didn't. I loved you and you were my best friend. I thought that was enough for the 'perfect relationship'

But I wasn't allowed to be the 'real' me. She was not welcome in our partnership. So you drank and smoked 40 cigarettes a day whilst we both hid our real selves from the world.. I was devestated when you suggested we part. You told me that i 'needed to find myself' Those were the most terrifying words anyone had ever said to me. I didn't have the courage to walk away from an 'OK' relationship, and from my best friend. i am sorry that I let Elizabeth believe that she wasn't worthy of something more. The fear of the thought of being alone again was paralizing!

Dear Higher Self

I am sorry that I hurt my next boyfriend for leaving him after six months because I needed to be so honest and real about our future together, the future that he longed for was not my truth.. I'd truly believed that each boyfriend was saving me from my alone-ness. I learnt more about relationships after our experience together more than any other. I love you deeply from the bottom of my heart for that.

I spent the following three years wanting you back. After ending our relationship ( the first time i'd ever found the strength and commitment to risk being alone) i regretted it, and I am sorry that I broke your heart. When I wanted you back and you ignored me I went through 'The dark night of the soul' when I cried non stop for endless hours in the forest for the 'us' that was no more, for every trauma in my life and possibly for my ancestors too.

Dear Higher Self

I am sorry that I keep apologising to you. Every experience was there on purpose. I see that now! I am awe of my life!

I am not sorry that I might've 'known' all of this at the start. My ego was simply trying to protect me the way she knew how.

I now view my ego as my cheeky little sister, I love her to bits! Ad I know that she's always wanted the very best for me. She had my back.

I appreciate every relationship I've ever had because it has led me to the highest relationship humanly possible.

'How to Meet the Love of your Life' is an online course that I've nearly completed.

Please forgive me for being so ridiculously excited by my findings...

I am in such awe of all of my past relationships-

For they have made me the woman that I am today.

I cant wait to share the online course content with you!